Pink Jewelry - Pink Topaz Questions

Pink Jewelry Offers, Infomation, Comparisons and Resources. - Pink Topaz Questions

Question: Please could you review this small extract from my book?

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Answer #1:

Its good, but it sounds a bit twilighty.

Answer #2:

It's sounds like you're copying "Twilight". It's good... maybe it's just me but it does sound like it.

Answer #3:

interesting. i think u know what im going to compare it too but it's very well written.

dazzling [Glittering?] [Sparkling?] topaz eyes - i like sparkling
slight hint [tint?] - tint sounds more like her skin while hint reminds me of a cooking show :)
in an eternal [everlasting?] pout - everlasting
irresistibly [mouth wateringly?] delicious - mouth wateringly delicious sounds good but i don't think wateringly is a word
fangs protruded [pierced?] [Penetrated?] through - pierced remids me of needs and has a bit of an edge to it so i'd go with that

Good Luck :)

Answer #4:

The girl stared at me expectantly through her dazzling [Glittering?] [Sparkling?] topaz eyes.<<< I would use SPARKLING.

Her creamy complexion was brushed with a slight hint [tint?] of pink and her long flowing locks, russet in colour, rippled down her shoulders and rested in soft, luscious pools just below her elbows.<<< TINT.

Her full lips seemed to be fixed in an eternal [everlasting?] pout; I shivered at the thought of the alluring blood that flowed beneath [behind?] them.<<<< ETERNAL AND BEHIND.

The sweet, enticing scent that wafted through the air was irresistibly [mouth wateringly?] delicious and I found myself wincing in pain as the sharp, pointed fangs protruded [pierced?] [Penetrated?] through my upper gum. <<< I WOULD USE BOTH IRRESISTIBLY AND MOUTH WATERING. AND PENETRATED.

Ok now that's doen I just want to say I love it. I always enjoy your work and always look forward to seeing what you post

Well done x

Answer #5:

I like it a lot makes me want to read more! Very well written, and I also think that the words you have work very good, I wouldnt change them!
Hope this helps.

Answer #6:

Sparkling
Hint
eternal
Beneath, behind? Behind her lips? How about 'inside', or something? Maybe underneath her skin, inside her veins or whatever?
irresistibly
pierced

On with the critique: I hope this girl isn't a main character. She already sounds like a Mary-Sue, and I'm really hoping your monster kills her, then commits suicide. That's how much I hate them. If these are important characters (and I'm guessing at least the 'monster' is), then you don't want the reader to hate them.
Of course, I hate them because they're unrealistic and too perfect. Twilighters will probably love this, so you don't need to worry if all you're worried about is possible sales.
The vocabulary is off. I'm sure you don't sound like that when you're speaking. Your goal is to make it sound like your 'monster' (who I'm guessing is a vampire) is thinking. It doesn't sound like that. Do some writing exercises to find his voice. I know he's old, 121, but hell, my character lived in another world where technology and slang didn't exist yet and when I sent it out for critique I was told his voice was wrong. And now I understand, because it's the same thing here.
You may want to switch to third person, which could justify the style.





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